via videosift.com

The $13 Cure For World Hunger

First of all, click the pictures to be able to see the numbers better.

Ok, so you are looking at:

1. Chicken Wings (7)
2. Sliced Beef Brisket
3. Pulled Pork
4. Ribs (6)
5. Southern Greens
6. Beans
7. Mac & Cheese
8. Cornbread (ain't nothin wrong with that.)

This is the "Kitchen Sink" from the Whole Foods Smokehouse. Simply put, it is an ungodly amount of food (and accurately put - I may have committed four deadly sins for this meal. Gluttony, for obvious reasons. Greed, because it wasn't just the amount of food but the low price. Envy, because I hadn't stopped thinking about it since I saw a guy ahead of me in line order it last Thursday; and pride because a single human being cannot order this without being pretty damn sure of his or herself).

Now, did I eat it all? No.
Was it worth it? Yes.
Was it good? Most of it, but the pulled pork was not very good.
Am I experiencing shortness of breath? Definitely.
How many people could this realistically serve? At least 6.

What can one do with the Kitchen Sink?
1. Cater a summer pool party.
2. Drop it from a relief plane over the Sudan.
3. Bring it to a downtown soup kitchen and give the volunteers the day off.
4. Mount on the wall for posterity.
5. Make an unbelievable omelette.

I will end it there. I am starting to see spots.

Meet the Wally's...

Mind you, these are just crude artist renderings. However, if you see one of these "Wally's," RUN! You do not want to have anything to do with the likes of these "people." They should be considered extremely dangerous and creepy. Avoid them at all costs.

Cat Killer's Response...

So I’m chillin’ on the corner just mindin’ my biz
When this feline rolls up and starts taken a wiz
I said “what the fuck ya stupid fuckin’ cat?
He said “if you wanna say somethin’ talk to my spiked bat

I looked around real quick to see if anyone was there
Then I shot that bitch in the leg and grabbed it by it’s hair
I said “listen cat, don’t try to flee
Ain’t no man, child or beast ever pisses on me.”

Who do you think you are, R. Kelly
That’s when I took out my knife and slashed his belly.
“This ain’t gonna be quick, so hold fucking still”
I got my saw, sawed off is paw and said “bitch I’m fo’ REAL”

That’s when the cat, despite his situation
Started to drop some serious information
He said “I roll with B. Wit, you know the name?”
I said “yeah I do, that bitch is lame”

We used to hang, back in the day
He started chillin’ with Wally and then became gay.
Now I don’t care, that’s fine with me
But he was too obsessed with another man’s dooky

So listen up can, here’s what I’m gonna do
I’m gonna let you go now instead of turning you into glue.
You go tell, that fuck B. Wit
If he comes after me, I’ll fuck up his shit

I let the cat go to scurry away
But running into the street wasn’t a bright idea that day
I turned around and heard a screech
That poor cat was turned to shredded wheat.

So to you B. Wit, I didn’t kill your cat
He pissed on me and that is that
But if you come for me, you better come fast
Cause I’ll pump my shotty and blast your ass

I’ll sneak up behind you with my powder keg
I’ll light the fuse and blow off your leg
I’ll take you back to your boy Ted’s shed
The only things is, you won’t have a head


So take this warning, to be true hearted
Don’t get fucked up for what your cat started
Let’s just chill and let lying dogs lay
Cause if you roll up on me I’ll blow your ass away.

My Grandmama’s Cat

Verse 1

Rollin down the striz-eet
While I iz-eat
A burger
Found out that my cat just got murdered

While I was drinkin
His high hopes were sinkin
Over some dumb shit
But I’ll avenge it

I creep to your front door
You’re gonna pay sucka
For what my Grandmother
Gave me motherfucka

For my birthday in 93
Now it’s the first day
You’re gonna loose some teeth

Chorus

You think you can wack
My granmother’s cat? [nope]
You think you can rap
Your way out of a flytrap? [none]

You think you can play me
Like David Crosby? [nope]
Your game is done son [yeah]
Like Crystal Pepsi [uh]

Verse 2

My patience is wearin
Lace thin
My crew is preparin
For the win

Pardon my persistence
But I persist
Let me introduce you
To my fists

And my nightstick
With the spiked shit
That my friend Ted
Stole from his Dad’s shed

I want my cat back
But since that ain’t goin happen
I brought my ball-pean
For some knees that need crackin

Chorus

You think you can wack
My granmother’s cat? [nope]
You think you can rap
Your way out of a flytrap? [none]

You think you can play me
Like David Crosby? [nope]
Your game is done son [yeah]
Like Crystal Pepsi [uh]

Verse 3

Now nevermind my cat was old as fuck
he deserved to die naturally
hit by a truck

But you cut him down the wrong way
did him dirty
put him the dryer
with your mom's laundry

And you know I ain't kiddin
more pissed than Clint Eastwood
in Unforgiven

I'm gonna be bruisin
drop you like all the fans
Tom Cruise is losin

Cause I come in blastin
no question askin
just your ass gettin blasted

You messed with the wrong guy's cat
I’m prone to attack
Yo pass me the bat

Outro

[Uh] “never fuck with another man’s pu$$y”

[chik-chik]


[boooooooooom]

Classic Stories Get Witmered

Star Wars: Luke Skywalker leads a band of rebels on a successful quest to destroy the Galactic Empire's Death Star. Chewbacca is found to have hanged himself.

Hansel and Gretel: While lost in the woods, Hansel and Gretel discover a house made of candy and are taken captive by its resident, an evil witch. The witch intends to bake Hansel and Gretel in an oven, but they escape. Hansel shoots Gretel and then himself.

Jaws: Pretty much unchanged, but in the Witmered version, the Kintner boy does spill out onto the dock. Also, after Chief Brody and Hooper defeat the shark, Brody is driven to alcoholism by the ordeal and eventually kills himself using the Hemingway method.

Brian's Song: Brian Piccolo, upon learning of his terminal cancer, drives to Michigan to visit a young Jack Kevorkian and requests to be euthanized. The movie is 17 minutes long.

Goonies: Terrified of Sloth, Chunk injects himself with anti-freeze. Sloth turns out to be pretty nice.

Inside the Mind of Ben: Getting to Know Unknown Hinson

The following is by a certain Ben W., who would like to expose us all to one of his new favorite artists:

Ask yourself this question: What’s cooler, a vegetarian shark or a six-legged octopus? The correct answer is neither. But I’ll tell you what is cooler than both of those combined: Unknown Hinson.

Imagine taking the DNA of Johnny Cash, Wolverine, and Dracula, mixing it with a centrifuge, splicing it with the ovary fruit of a Shewolf, and baking it on 350 for ten minutes. What you would have on your hands is one of the best “psychobilly” musicians around.

Taking his name from his birth certificate which read: “Mama: Miss Hinson, Father: Unknown, Unknown Hinson was born and raised in Charlotte, North Carolina. After his mother vanished (circumstances still uncertain), Unknown fled to the countryside where he joined a traveling circus. Life for Unknown during this time period consisted of many new learning experiences, such as mastering the art of lifting a 50-pound weight with one’s tongue. Ipso-facto, he then spent 30 years in prison.

Hinson finally managed to rise above the erroneous claims his stone-cold accusers flung his way time and time again. Unknown Hinson had “allegedly” (that means he might not of done it) committed several murders, had 19 paternity suits, and committed random acts of vampirism and other grave-robbing offenses.

However, today the hillbilly vampire is praised by the likes of Reverend Horton Heat, Hank Williams III, and Tom Petty. Hinson’s music is riddled with themes such as love-gone-wrong, “womern” troubles, outlawing, and party liquors.

Check out the video for his song Venus Bound:

I'm not sayin, I'm just sayin

Call You Back Tomorrow (By Dialing With My Cock)♦

by Bneath aka Bswizzle aka Bensonoozle



Verse 1

I'm in you like a cable man
you don't know when I'm comin
You get a six-hour window
till the juice is runnin

I found your secret stash
I popped your combo lock
I took the mittens off your kittens
and your dog for a walk

Chorus

We can both ride the tsunami
when we play hide the salami
ain't gon do no hari-kari
yeah cause suicide is scary
and its the motion in the ocean
that is gon drown your sorrow
so batten down your hatches
and I'll call you back tomorrow

Verse 2

You rock my gravel pit
I pave your cul-de-sac
puttin cones along your highway
till I've run out of my stack

In your safe deposit box
i put my valuables in
I'm writing all the withdrawals
with the company pen

uhhh

Chorus Repeat

Outro



Uhhh uhh
[chik-chik] boooooooom
goes the boomstick

De La For President

And some love for The Pharcyde, and one of the coolest videos ever:



And while I'm posting videos by Spike Jonze:

Substitute(s)

Some people out there are disparaging the idea of a "substitute." I just want to remind everybody that without substitutes, none of the following would ever have happened:

-The movie The Substitute (duh) and all sequels
-The Presidency of Lyndon B. Johnson
-The 1999 St. Louis Rams Super Bowl Championship
-AC/DC's "Back in Black" and Pink Floyd's "Dark Side of the Moon"
-Lou Gehrig's entire career and the awareness raised for Lou Gehrig's Disease, a/k/a MDS
-Beverly Hills Cop*
-The middle seasons of Roseanne
-All of the Vacation movies after Vacation
-Any movie ever made with a stunt double
-Kirk Gibson's legendary home run in game 1 of the 1988 World Series
-The side dish with any meal Oyin has ever ordered

*would have been made, but with Sylvester Stallone as Axel Foley. In other words, it would have been total shit.

...and boom goes the satellite

Now that we no longer have to worry about the .000000001% one of us is hit by a satellite, all we have to worry about is the .000000001% chance we're hit by a piece of satellite debris. So not a lot has changed except that now China and Russia are furious.

When the Pocket Grabs onto Something, it Could be a Long Painful Death... Sorry Analog Cellphones...

As of today, the analog cellphone is no more. Here's the complete timeline of its development, since Greece in 490BC to February 18, 2008, the day in which networks are no longer obligated to provide with analog cellphone coverage. Click to see the huge, high definition version.

(Click the image above for a huge 2000-pixel wide version of the timeline)

490 BC
Pheidippides ran from Marathon to Athens to transmit the news of the victory over the Persians.
Signal was really bad back then: he died on the spot after delivering the message, according to Plutarch.

1876
First successful telephone transmission. Graham Bell says "Mr. Watson, come here, I want to see you" and Watson understands each word clearly. A century later, people would be "What? Say that again? Watson? Watson?" over cellphone lines.

1895
Marconi puts Tesla wireless communications discoveries to practice, developes commercial radio.

1906
Reginald Aubrey Fessenden demonstrates first wireless radio telephone.

1908
First US Patent on a wireless phone awarded to Nathan B. Stubblefield.

1926
Radio telephony starts to be used in the First Class of the Hamburg-Berlin train line.

1939
World War II starts. Germans start using radio phones in tanks on a large scale.

1945
Germany surrenders. Hitler kills himself, he never used a Windows Mobile Phone, (or a Playstation 3 or a HD DVD player.)

1947
Bell Labs proposes hexagonal cells for mobile phones, with the three sided antenna we know today. It sucked, because it was all theoretical.

1954
Linus Larrabee (Humphrey Bogart) uses a real mobile phone from his car in Billy Wilder's Sabrina (played by Audrey Hepburn.)

1956
First fully automatic mobile phone (Mobiltelefonisystem A or MTA) system launched in Sweden by Ericsson. Each handset, pictured above, was 90 pounds (40 kg.)

1965
Ericsson's MTB is launched. This time, the headset is just 20 pounds (9 kg.) thanks to the use of transistors.

1970
Automatic "call handoff" system is invented, allowing mobile phones to move through several cell areas during a single conversation without loss of conversation.

1971
ARP, the first successful commercial cellphone network, is launched in Finland. You couldn't move from cell to cell seamlessly.
It was 0G (Zero G.)

1973
April 3, 1973: Motorola's Dr. Martin Cooper calls Joel Engel, head of research at AT&T's Bell Labs, while walking in New York City using the first Motorola DynaTAC prototype. The beginning of 1G networks.

1978
Bell launches first trial commercial cellular network in Chicago.

1982
Nokia introduces their first cellphone, the analog Mobira Senator. FCC approves the analog-based Advanced Mobile Phone Service (AMPS) and assigns frequencies in the 824-894 MHz band.

1983
Motorola DynaTAC 8000X is the first commercial cellphone available in the US.MTB shuts down, still with 600 clients.

1990
FCC approves the Digital AMPS, the beginning of the end for analog networks.

1991
First commercial GSM call in the world. Done using Nokia hardware. 2G and digital begins.

1993
txt msgng apprs 4 1st time LOL.

1996
Motorola StarTAC debuts.

2000
3G appears.

2002
FCC decides to shut down the analog network

2003
GPRS and EDGE, technologies for faster (but not too fast) data transfers, launch. It's 2.5G. 3G networks are not available yet.

2007
iPhone launches. Still runs on 2.5G technology, but adds Wi-Fi for data transfer. 3G cellphones start to become ubiquitous.

2008
February 19
Cellphone analog networks can shut down

[Wikipedia, Nokia, Ericsson, Motorola and various other sources]

When the Satellite Hits

Artist's Rendering

How Much Things Weigh

So if the satellite is the size of a city bus in area, is it in weight? Approximately. City buses are too various to have a reliable average weight, but the average school bus weighs 7 tons. As does a London double-decker bus.

So there you have it. The satellite might be the same size, but it is even heavier than many buses. In fact it's about the size of a school bus filled with fat people, only instead of fat people it's filled with flesh-searing rocket fuel.

Things I Don't Like

1. Bees
2. Sharks
3. A 4 Ton Satellite Hurtling Towards Earth
4. Pockets
5. WHO THE HELL CARES, A 4 TON SATELLITE IS HURTLING TOWARDS EARTH

Actually, it weighs 10 tons. It's the size of a city bus. The reason I say 4 tons is because roughly half of it will burn up in the atmosphere. For reference the largest land animal in the world, the female African Elephant, weighs 7.7 tons. This thing weighs more than the biggest elephant you've ever seen.

Bad news: Satellite the size of a city bus will crash into earth on or about March 6.
Good news: Half of it will burn up in the atmosphere.
Bad news: That still leaves up to 5 tons of twisted metal set to hit...absolutely anywhere.
Worse news: It contains some biohazardous rocket fuel. Like a lot of it.

Now you can listen to the government which says "This is nothing. Shit falls from space all the time. Why just a couple decades ago skylab fell out of the sky and nothing really happened. In fact, there is a 1 percent chance it will hit a populated area."

That's all well and good except for one problem. The U.S. Government is about to spend $60 million trying to blow this thing up before it blows earth up. So you tell me if they think this is serious.

We're all Witmered.

Also, one quick note: The final meeting of the Finer Things Club will take place sometime before March 6 due to the pending destruction of our planet Earth and subsequent rapture.

The BOOM might just catch up to this guy...

This is such and overuse of the BOOM mentality. Tsk Tsk. He should spend more time LARPing.

This is what happens when you don't know how to use BOOM!

You poor dumb bastard...

How do you think he got where he is today?

After realizing the awesome power of BOOM at such a young age, Big Willy was able to harness this power and catapult his career to staggering heights.

Here is one of many acceptable uses of BOOM!!!

Speaking of Pockets, They Were Collapsing Around Tom Brady All Night

He will soon be Divorced or convicted of murdering his significant other...

This Crazy SOB is the Tom Cruise of "Pocketology!"

McCormick's Back

Mark,

Greetings from your old friend McCormick, back from the sea. It was a trecherous 18 months, but I have again returned with a fresh haul of Cougars, Pumas, MILFs, and Manthers, which I will litter throughout my fine restaurants during happy hour.

The reason I write, Mark, is to inform you of a steal. I now offer $20 off dinner with online reservations. Unlike certain OTHER Herndon area eateries, there is no fine print. This is not one of those "$20 off $70 if you spend $120 and tip 72%" deals. Plus, at McCormicks there are always plenty of eager old women to shake your [stick] at.

Regards,

McCormick
Now a Woman

Speaking of Pockets...

Send Your Prayers To Baltimore

I make fun of Baltimore a lot. Its purple camoflauge, funny accents, and STD epidemic are just too easy to poke fun at. But today I am doing nothing but giving Baltimore my heartfelt best wishes, because when I went to weather.com and looked at the radar, I discovered they are facing mankind's most destructive force:



When I saw that, I nearly "witmered" myself in fear. And I know just to the west of Baltimore there is a more menacing, complete pocket, but I'll ignore that as that town has certainly already been destroyed.

More to Come...

Just in case you don't have a bottle opener handy, here's a cool little trick.





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