Classic Stories Get Witmered

Star Wars: Luke Skywalker leads a band of rebels on a successful quest to destroy the Galactic Empire's Death Star. Chewbacca is found to have hanged himself.

Hansel and Gretel: While lost in the woods, Hansel and Gretel discover a house made of candy and are taken captive by its resident, an evil witch. The witch intends to bake Hansel and Gretel in an oven, but they escape. Hansel shoots Gretel and then himself.

Jaws: Pretty much unchanged, but in the Witmered version, the Kintner boy does spill out onto the dock. Also, after Chief Brody and Hooper defeat the shark, Brody is driven to alcoholism by the ordeal and eventually kills himself using the Hemingway method.

Brian's Song: Brian Piccolo, upon learning of his terminal cancer, drives to Michigan to visit a young Jack Kevorkian and requests to be euthanized. The movie is 17 minutes long.

Goonies: Terrified of Sloth, Chunk injects himself with anti-freeze. Sloth turns out to be pretty nice.

Inside the Mind of Ben: Getting to Know Unknown Hinson

The following is by a certain Ben W., who would like to expose us all to one of his new favorite artists:

Ask yourself this question: What’s cooler, a vegetarian shark or a six-legged octopus? The correct answer is neither. But I’ll tell you what is cooler than both of those combined: Unknown Hinson.

Imagine taking the DNA of Johnny Cash, Wolverine, and Dracula, mixing it with a centrifuge, splicing it with the ovary fruit of a Shewolf, and baking it on 350 for ten minutes. What you would have on your hands is one of the best “psychobilly” musicians around.

Taking his name from his birth certificate which read: “Mama: Miss Hinson, Father: Unknown, Unknown Hinson was born and raised in Charlotte, North Carolina. After his mother vanished (circumstances still uncertain), Unknown fled to the countryside where he joined a traveling circus. Life for Unknown during this time period consisted of many new learning experiences, such as mastering the art of lifting a 50-pound weight with one’s tongue. Ipso-facto, he then spent 30 years in prison.

Hinson finally managed to rise above the erroneous claims his stone-cold accusers flung his way time and time again. Unknown Hinson had “allegedly” (that means he might not of done it) committed several murders, had 19 paternity suits, and committed random acts of vampirism and other grave-robbing offenses.

However, today the hillbilly vampire is praised by the likes of Reverend Horton Heat, Hank Williams III, and Tom Petty. Hinson’s music is riddled with themes such as love-gone-wrong, “womern” troubles, outlawing, and party liquors.

Check out the video for his song Venus Bound:

I'm not sayin, I'm just sayin

Call You Back Tomorrow (By Dialing With My Cock)♦

by Bneath aka Bswizzle aka Bensonoozle



Verse 1

I'm in you like a cable man
you don't know when I'm comin
You get a six-hour window
till the juice is runnin

I found your secret stash
I popped your combo lock
I took the mittens off your kittens
and your dog for a walk

Chorus

We can both ride the tsunami
when we play hide the salami
ain't gon do no hari-kari
yeah cause suicide is scary
and its the motion in the ocean
that is gon drown your sorrow
so batten down your hatches
and I'll call you back tomorrow

Verse 2

You rock my gravel pit
I pave your cul-de-sac
puttin cones along your highway
till I've run out of my stack

In your safe deposit box
i put my valuables in
I'm writing all the withdrawals
with the company pen

uhhh

Chorus Repeat

Outro



Uhhh uhh
[chik-chik] boooooooom
goes the boomstick

De La For President

And some love for The Pharcyde, and one of the coolest videos ever:



And while I'm posting videos by Spike Jonze: